I flipped through the “sex tips for women” section of a contemporary women’s health magazine in search of tips for increasing sex drive in women in the form of any knowledge I could find about how to be more active in bed as a woman and it was then it hit me like a brick to the face!
Sex tips for girls promise to teach women how to be great in bed, but in fact, end up doing just the opposite. I noticed the lack of actual good sex tips for her, and just how repetitious and superficial sex advice for women out there is.
Try it right now… Pick up any women’s magazine and turn to the page offering sex advice on how to be good in bed as a woman and I’m sure you will notice it too; they all make it seem like the road to good sex is purely external.
Lose 10 pounds…
Wear this lipstick…
Try this position…
They all say.
Whether it’s first-time sex tips for women, sex tips for women who have a mental block with sex, or just general advice about how to be better at sex, one cannot help but wonder if these things are really written by experts. Fellow women? Hmm, I would like to know.
Granted, these are good (enough) sex tricks, and they may add some extra spice to the things that happen beneath (or above, or entangled in) the sheets; lol. The keyword here; however, is extra.
Let me paint you an illustration…
Imagine that you have decided to cook yourself a big, nice pot of spaghetti. You bring the water to boil and then proceed to add salt, and seasoning to your taste. Afterward, you turn the heat off and plate your nice, delicious dish.
Ridiculous, right? Where’s the pasta?
EXACTLY!
Most of the sex tips for women you find around these days work more like seasoning to a meal. In essence, they only work if you already have a healthy libido stewing in the pot. That shade of lipstick, that sexy nightdress, and that new position may have you feeling like Marilyn Monroe for a night, but the effect will last only if you have a healthy sex drive and the correct sexual orientation to go along with it.
My point is that reading more sex advice columns and buying more issues of cosmopolitan without first investigating your psychosexuality is like serving a broth of water and spices with no main ingredient: ridiculous.
That said, let me walk you through 7 solid reasons why the sex tips for women you find in magazines and mainstream media sucks.
1. Too repetitive
Pick up an edition of your favorite women’s magazine and I bet my bottom dollar that they all give the same (or at least similar) advice.
Try this technique.
Pop these pills.
Use this ointment.
Light some candles.
Wear something sexy… puhleease!
As I said, it’s not totally untrue, these may help. Nevertheless, it is all just spice to the spaghetti that is a healthy libido.
2. Too Technical
Has any sex advice you’ve read ever sounded something like this:
Slide two fingers down his crotch. Massage slowly but firmly, then move your index finger 1.5 degrees north of his frenulum…
No, not there! I said 1.5, not 1.4 and a half!
Lol! Okay, that’s me being sarcastic, but sex advice these days can sound a lot like manual instructions fit for the car repair shop.
Sex is natural, sex is human. It should happen as naturally as eating or taking a shit. When the sex tips for women that we find tell us to fondle his balls for 5 minutes while sucking his dick and doing a headstand, there’s a chance that it may just take the spontaneous appetite and creativity out of the whole thing.
3. Plummeting results
As I said earlier, these moves may get you feeling like Marilyn Munroe for a night but if you don’t have your psychosexuality in check, these results will be fleeting because the problem is also you, not just what you are/are not wearing.
4. Half of it simply doesn’t work!
I once came across sex advice in a popular magazine. The article was titled “3 surefire ways to an explosive orgasm for him and her.” Okay… interesting…
I flipped through the pages with expectant fingers and detailed in there were instructions to keep your man up and immobile inside you for exactly 30 minutes, after which they promised heaven and earth that your bodies would erupt into the wildest orgasms you both have ever had. The thought seemed exciting to me at that time but thinking back on it now, all I can say is B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.
First of all, how do you put sexual pleasure on a stopwatch? Second, what?
Years later when I began experimenting with sex, I tried it out with the person I was seeing at that time.
“Just stay up and don’t move,” I say. He obliges and begins to thrust. Lol! No! Up and immobile, stupid!
Two minutes pass and then five, and then ten (I doubt that we were able to keep up with that ridiculousness longer than 10 minutes). We just lay there in the awkward silence, him occasionally trying to sneak a mini thrust… Okay, how long until this starts feeling good?
The agonizing minutes pass and I feel he’s beginning to get limp (again!) so in a bid to not act like I didn’t know what the effff I was doing, I begin to clench and release my pelvic muscles, faking an orgasm. As if that was not bad enough, he looks up at me and says “errr, babe, are you doing that (the muscle clenching) yourself?” Arrrggghhhhh! He caught me faking an orgasm! The flood of embarrassment!
3. Too much focus on achieving orgasm
Ask me, your grandma, and practically any other woman who has had an orgasm, orgasms are great! Sex, however, is both a means to an end and an end in itself.
It works like this: if you are too focused on the end, you’ll never get there. In other words, if you are too fixated on achieving orgasm (perhaps to prove to your man what a good lay you are), you’ll most likely never get there. Why? Because you will be putting yourself under what I call ‘performance pressure’ instead of intensely focusing on the pleasure resonating through your nerve endings. (I have a neat little trick for refocusing a wandering mind during sex, tell me if you want to know about it in the comments!)
Sex advice for women is much too focused on teaching them how to get to orgasm or keep a man’s attention by squirting like they do in the porno videos. Wrong. We should be teaching women how to accept and enjoy guilt-free pleasure, that way, they’ll reach climax more easily. Problem solved.
6. Much too focused on the external
Lingerie, whips, and the Kama Sutra are all good, but as I said, they’re only seasoning to the pasta. Sex is a natural human activity, and thus should come from that innate animalistic desire to mate and socialize. Putting too much focus on external redundancies thus disconnects us from the true source of our sexuality: our instinct.
7. Too much focus on pleasing the man
The sex tips for women that circulate around are usually centered around pleasing the man, even if it is only just subtly implied. A lot of the stuff you see about how to be good in bed as a woman will tell you that doing what they say will “keep your man from straying,” or “make him love you more.” What happened to pleasure for the sake of itself? Since when has sex become a thing that we now give in exchange for loyalty or worthiness? Or that we engage in to “prove” that we are fun? No, thanks.
We know sex tips for women suck, what do we do now?
I have one piece of advice and one piece only: examine what you really think about sex. Pull out the mental file in your head titled “sex” and take a deep look at what is really in there. Do these things empower you? Do they make you feel good about yourself?
It’s wonderful to note that this is one of the absolutely essential things we will be doing in this space: examining our mental “sex” toolboxes and replacing things that don’t serve us with things that do, and the best part is that we get to do it together.
Don’t know where to start? That’s easy; just bookmark this site, subscribe to join our list of empowered goddesses (its completely free), and follow the conversation.
See? That was easy, right?
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