There’s a New York Times article published by British-Swiss philosopher Alain de Botton and titled “Why you will marry the wrong person.” While I find some of his points interesting and disagree with many others, it’s the topic itself that I find so captivating.
Will you marry the right person? If not, why will you marry the wrong person? Here’s what I think:
Why will I Marry the Wrong Person? 5 Solid Reasons Why
1. Partner selection based on personality compatibility is often doomed to fail.
Since people seldom marry for land, peace treaties, and things of that sort anymore, romantic love (or our idea of it) is the new order of the day.
Romantic love is largely perceived as partner compatibility, and a large part of partner compatibility is based on personality.
Maybe you like that guy because he’s got swag, or he likes you because you’re the life of any party: all personality traits that trigger the feeling of romantic love.
To meet the right partner, according to the rules of the dating game, you must be sure that their personality is compatible with yours. Nothing wrong with that, but it raises 2 questions:
- Are personalities meant to remain static? In other words, doesn’t falling in love with someone based on their personality mean that you’re giving them no chance to evolve?
- How do you successfully pull a character match off when 90% of people in the world still struggle to comprehend the complexity of their character? In other words, how can you know him and know that he is right for you if he doesn’t fully know himself? (And most likely, neither do you.)
Going according to the points I raised in (i), what happens when your partner does evolve? What happens if you no longer want the party life and would rather settle into a more relaxed lifestyle? What happens if his definition of “swag” changes?
I aver that you must fall in love with something deeper than the personality to build something that lasts.
2. You will Marry at the Wrong Time.
So you’re 25, and everybody is giving you the “knowing” eye at family gatherings. Moreover, you have been a bridesmaid at 3 of your friends’ weddings, and now, you have a knife to poor Greg’s throat.
Stop! Can’t you see that this is the reason why you are subconsciously likely to ignore Greg’s flaws (and the snags in your relationship), trivialize them, or even worse, think you can change them; invariably leading you to marry the wrong person?
3. You will Marry for the Wrong Reason.
Infatuation. Security. Money. Fertility. Sex. Attention, and even our idea of “romantic love.” These are a few of the reasons why you will marry the wrong person.
4. You are also the Wrong Person.
We’ve talked all about your partner being wrong for you, however, if your partner is wrong for you, doesn’t that also mean that you are wrong for them?
There is also a possibility that you will be wrong for your partner because all your energy is focused on finding the right partner, instead of being the right partner.
5. You are stuck in past Habits and Traumas.
Perhaps you didn’t have the happiest childhood, and now you are unconsciously searching for someone to prove to you that you are worthy of love. Perhaps you grew up with an emotionally distant father, and now you chase aloof men that treat you like something secondary because, to you, the only love that is worth it is the love you chase. You see the men that love you and express it as clingy and annoying, and you’ll make winning the affection of an unstable, self-centered man your life’s primary mission.
Your experiences and the trauma that ensued as a result of them are valid, but if you don’t heal the trauma and change your habits, can you see how this could invariably lead to why you will marry the wrong person?
Did any of these points make you go Uh-huh? Send me an email, I love to hear from you!
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